In the words of one Jerry Seinfeld, "it's very emasculating!" I went to what I thought was my first baby shower last weekend (only later was I reminded that I went to one for Lana as well). This latest one was for Jack Mellquist. (More on this name to come.) Congrats, Jack, you've set a AMHTFUHL record for youngest blog mention at -1 months. That will be tough to beat.
Just as with Lana, I have Anne to thank for siphoning away a little more of my masculinity. With this shower and trimming my beard 2 weeks ago, the dipstick is showing I'm about a quart low on masculinity now. Seriously, though, the shower didn't suck. Anne made some really great food and with the "no baby games" agreement reached pre-shower it was really just a normal get together, except for... the gifts.
The process of buying baby shower gifts was, to say the least, disorienting. I still don't think my head is quite right. So some night during the preceding week I'm wandering through the baby aisles of Target. I'm mainly looking for blank tees and onesies (sp?) so I can make some clever / stylish iron-ons. Did you notice I typed "aisles"? Plural? Now I'm thinking babies probably need maybe an endcap to cover all your needs. Maybe an aisle entirely of diapers as well (from what I hear they go through a lot of those things). What I'm trying to say though is that I thought babies were pretty simple. I could not have been more wrong.
When they're not making Snuggies, the people inventing products to solve non-existant problems seem to be focused intensely on infant products. For example, as I'm strolling through the Target Labrynth of Baby Products, I notice this:
I think to myself (I have yet been unable to think something to someone else, but I'm working on it), "my that's a strange looking brush." So I examine the packaging to try and figure out what could possibly be the intended application of such an item. There is, naturally, a cute little child on the front, and as I'm thinking this brush is way to rough to use on an infant's skin, I see the alarming "nipple brush" feature. It's a small auxiliary brush that pops out of the handle.
It is at this precise moment I become absolutely terrified of where we have arrived as a society. I mean, how did we get to the point where we need dedicated nipple brushes to "care" for children? A split second before I would have run out of the store in fear, I happen to read the product title: Baby Bottle Brush. Whew. This is starting to make a little sense. Absurd? Yes. But no longer terrifying. Most of you are probably thinking, "hey, try maybe reading the product description first, Dumbo," which would have avoided this panic attack, sure, but I think we can all agree that the keys to any good blog post - and life in general - are quick judgment, lack of information, and dedicated nipple brushes (I'm installing mine as I type this).
One thing I found enjoyable about infant products, is that some clothes would not only list a size (which is not really a size, but more of a time period, e.g. 4-6 months) but also a weight. The idea of all clothes being listed with weights amused me. I could go in to Sears and buy a pair of 195 lb jeans, much like an old-timey farmer might have had a 5 lb sack for potatoes. The added bonus being that as you gain weight you actually get to buy a superior product. This appeals to me as a guy, particularly one whose weight could possibly be increasing. Clearly a 10-ton tow strap is superior to a 6-ton strap. Wouldn't than 195 lb jeans be bettern than 170 lb? Not only that, but our clothes have now become "gear". And guys like gear.
OK, back to the gifts. Or, the gifts. I made a couple goofs with the iron-ons. Since I thought Mom and Dad Mellquist had yet to decide on a name or had they decided, not told me yet, I was going with generic things like "baby" and "boy". The Mellquists graciously reminded me after opening my gifts that they had, in fact, told me they'd decided on "Jack". Oh... Yeah... I also managed to iron-on "MLQST" as "TSQLM". This was actually a blessing in disguise as Emily has a fondness for backwards words. It wards off senility or something I gathered.
To this point, the gifts were really just attempts to amuse myself. For a gift the Mellquists actually wanted I naturally waited until the last minute and stopped by Babies R Us on the way to the shower. I fear I do not have the literary skills required to describe accurately what this experience was like. The term "soul crushing" comes to mind. I think it took approximately 45 minutes to find something off the registry. I can assure you it seemed much longer. There was a silber lining in the fact that I stumbled upon the "sleep sack". Again, highly amusing. I imagine stuffing all sorts of other necessary items in the unoccupied space in the bottom of the sack. Spare diapers, powders, and ointments being kicked around by the infants feet until the moment they're needed. It's like the SUV of pajamas. I do think the lack of an integrated handle was an oversight, though.
While the prelude to the shower was a harrowing experience, the actually party was pretty fun. Many thanks to Anne for her organization and preparation. And best of luck to the Mellquists in the next few weeks / months / years.
Mellquist Shower Gallery
The process of buying baby shower gifts was, to say the least, disorienting. I still don't think my head is quite right. So some night during the preceding week I'm wandering through the baby aisles of Target. I'm mainly looking for blank tees and onesies (sp?) so I can make some clever / stylish iron-ons. Did you notice I typed "aisles"? Plural? Now I'm thinking babies probably need maybe an endcap to cover all your needs. Maybe an aisle entirely of diapers as well (from what I hear they go through a lot of those things). What I'm trying to say though is that I thought babies were pretty simple. I could not have been more wrong.
When they're not making Snuggies, the people inventing products to solve non-existant problems seem to be focused intensely on infant products. For example, as I'm strolling through the Target Labrynth of Baby Products, I notice this:
I think to myself (I have yet been unable to think something to someone else, but I'm working on it), "my that's a strange looking brush." So I examine the packaging to try and figure out what could possibly be the intended application of such an item. There is, naturally, a cute little child on the front, and as I'm thinking this brush is way to rough to use on an infant's skin, I see the alarming "nipple brush" feature. It's a small auxiliary brush that pops out of the handle.
It is at this precise moment I become absolutely terrified of where we have arrived as a society. I mean, how did we get to the point where we need dedicated nipple brushes to "care" for children? A split second before I would have run out of the store in fear, I happen to read the product title: Baby Bottle Brush. Whew. This is starting to make a little sense. Absurd? Yes. But no longer terrifying. Most of you are probably thinking, "hey, try maybe reading the product description first, Dumbo," which would have avoided this panic attack, sure, but I think we can all agree that the keys to any good blog post - and life in general - are quick judgment, lack of information, and dedicated nipple brushes (I'm installing mine as I type this).
One thing I found enjoyable about infant products, is that some clothes would not only list a size (which is not really a size, but more of a time period, e.g. 4-6 months) but also a weight. The idea of all clothes being listed with weights amused me. I could go in to Sears and buy a pair of 195 lb jeans, much like an old-timey farmer might have had a 5 lb sack for potatoes. The added bonus being that as you gain weight you actually get to buy a superior product. This appeals to me as a guy, particularly one whose weight could possibly be increasing. Clearly a 10-ton tow strap is superior to a 6-ton strap. Wouldn't than 195 lb jeans be bettern than 170 lb? Not only that, but our clothes have now become "gear". And guys like gear.
OK, back to the gifts. Or, the gifts. I made a couple goofs with the iron-ons. Since I thought Mom and Dad Mellquist had yet to decide on a name or had they decided, not told me yet, I was going with generic things like "baby" and "boy". The Mellquists graciously reminded me after opening my gifts that they had, in fact, told me they'd decided on "Jack". Oh... Yeah... I also managed to iron-on "MLQST" as "TSQLM". This was actually a blessing in disguise as Emily has a fondness for backwards words. It wards off senility or something I gathered.
To this point, the gifts were really just attempts to amuse myself. For a gift the Mellquists actually wanted I naturally waited until the last minute and stopped by Babies R Us on the way to the shower. I fear I do not have the literary skills required to describe accurately what this experience was like. The term "soul crushing" comes to mind. I think it took approximately 45 minutes to find something off the registry. I can assure you it seemed much longer. There was a silber lining in the fact that I stumbled upon the "sleep sack". Again, highly amusing. I imagine stuffing all sorts of other necessary items in the unoccupied space in the bottom of the sack. Spare diapers, powders, and ointments being kicked around by the infants feet until the moment they're needed. It's like the SUV of pajamas. I do think the lack of an integrated handle was an oversight, though.
While the prelude to the shower was a harrowing experience, the actually party was pretty fun. Many thanks to Anne for her organization and preparation. And best of luck to the Mellquists in the next few weeks / months / years.
Mellquist Shower Gallery
Posts
This may be your best post yet...
ReplyDeleteI will forever look at sleep sacks and think "Hey, that's the SUV of pajamas" Hilarious.
ReplyDeleteCracking up while reading this!
ReplyDeleteWell, now that Jack has his own label, I'm looking forward to reading the chronicles of his life here on a regular basis. You are too funny...thanks for participating in the shower, I'm glad it wasn't completely awful for you!
ReplyDeleteOnly you would take hours to find a baby gift.
ReplyDeletei assure you it was NOT just me. 3 men entered that day. and 3 men left shattered much later. there were even text messages concerning breast pumps. i feel lucky to have lived to tell the story
ReplyDeleteThe first time Dawson and I went to Babies R Us we had to have a code word that meant LEAVE NOW! He actually went all engineer and started comparing weight and features of "gear"
ReplyDeleteThank you for letting everyone know about the code word! I am not making any of this up. That store will make you bonkers. Guys do like gear. But baby gear? Well I'll have to reserve judgment until I get there, but I don't see it happening.
ReplyDeleteAll I can say is"WHAT IN THE WORLD?""
ReplyDelete~Jenna
Well that's pretty vague.
ReplyDelete